It's been nearly a year and a half since I've posted anything on this blog. Doesn't that happen so frequently in life? People get excited about new endeavors, and they start something strong...but then it fades. And it seems that is exactly what happened with me. I was not dedicated enough to make my blogging a priority. But hey. I've been through just about the BUSIEST 2, even 3 years of my LIFE. So I'm not too hard on myself. I'm just acknowledging that I could have done better.
My original intent for this blog was to be a space where I could communicate updates to my family and friends about Eoin's health status and conditions. With something as complex as what he deals with, I didn't want to have to answer the same questions over and over again, with the time and depth required to explain things properly. So writing IN DETAIL and sharing on the blog was a good idea. It was easy enough to post a link in emails or on Facebook. But beside that, I wanted this blog to be a place where I could cling to goodness and share whatever meager inspiration I could muster during a very difficult time in life. I needed a good and strengthening outlet to look forward to. It's 16 months later into our HLHS experience, and I really have so much to share! WHAT A JOURNEY we've been on.
Luckily, the time is not lost. I've kept note of things. I've had my own personal hand-written journal to write reflections in. I've also more often used Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube to post updates. (Youtube has been really fun. I love video editing and the stories that you can tell through that outlet.) But I turned to those three social media outlets because they were just quicker and easier for me. I could post a few sentences about a doctor's appointment while I was in the waiting room. I could snap a quick photo here and there and then share a short update to go with it. I sill documented life, and I'm glad I did! But I did not chose to delve very deep, and I think I lost a lot of the substance that has gone with my experiences of the last 16 months. I didn't blog for many reasons: not enough time, too much going on, or even that things were too tender to talk about. I was also in survival mode. So, quick and efficient was the way for me, and that's just how it was.
But the blog has still been calling to me. Life has settled down a bit, and I have been blessed with a little more time to myself. I have a couple of heart-momma friends who've been able to be active with their blogging, and it truly just brightens up my day to read their words and connect with them. I love to walk along side them by reading their posts and appreciating the perspective they have to share. They inspire me, and I've been grateful for the time and effort they put into sharing their words and their bravery to expose a very vulnerable part of themselves to the world. After 16 months, I think I am ready for that too.
I had an experience in January of this year (2019) that made me come to terms with many things.
By this point, Eoin had fully-recovered from his second open-heart surgery. He was off of sternal precautions. He had graduated from his dependence on oxygen and his feeding tube. He was done with his helmet therapy (to correct his torticollis and the flat spot he developed on his head from spending so much time in the hospital hooked up to things and unable to move). He was an active, healthy baby, meeting his milestones and had just celebrated his 1st birthday!
I think it was his birthday that was the trigger for me. The realization that we had made it! We had MADE IT through that first LONG, tough, challenging year. It was a milestone worth celebrating. But I just remember feeling overwhelmed by so many feelings. I suppose it didn't help that a few days after Eoin's 1st birthday is the day that my mother passed away from cancer two years prior. The year before, when it had been 1 year since her passing, I couldn't even take the time to think about it. I was in the Cardiac ICU of Primary Children's Hospital, sitting with my sick baby who had his body cut open the day before so he could have his first life-saving heart surgery. He was sedated and not moving. He was hooked up to so many machines. His chest was still open because they had to wait a couple days for swelling in his body to go down before they could close him up. I only had one focus at that time...and it was to hold it together so I could be my best for him. I did not take time to reflect on the situation at hand. It took all my might to just focus on being strong, and it was something that I could only work through moment to moment. I couldn't have thoughts. I couldn't make time to process emotions. It was like I was on autopilot, and I just did what I needed to in order to get through it. So, no, I did not think about my mom's death a lot last year. Honestly, I don't remember a lot about last January 2018 at all. I was so focused, and my perspective was narrow; I was going through some really difficult things, I think that my brain just blocked it out.
This January, though, it wasn't all existence on adrenaline. It wasn't life or death. It wasn't autopilot. For the first time in a long time IT WAS OKAY. And because it was okay, I think my brain decided that it was time to open the hatch to those heavy thoughts, feelings, and memories that had been pushed far down deep and locked away for a better time. So I took the time to finally process my mother's death, and the hole that left in my life. I took the time to process the really unstable year we had experienced with Eoin, and how scary that had been. I took the time to process home life: the complete disorder, the chaos, the attention for other family members that HAD to be put on the back-burner because my most important role of last year was doing all that I could to keep Eoin alive. It was a taxing year for everybody. And even before that, it was a taxing 3 years for everybody. The December/January prior to Eoin's birth (2016/2017) was spent with my dying mother, or with funeral stuff. The December/January before that (2015/2016) my mom was diagnosed with aggressive stage-4 cancer and started her chemo treatment. So from December of 2015 until the beginning of 2019, life had really been pretty daunting.
But 2019 was a new chapter now. And I was glad for that. Now, I had time to finally BREATHE, and to THINK and to REMEMBER. ... And THAT, my friends, was a hard thing to do. It put me into a funk. It was like I was waking up from a dream and realized what had happened to my life. A part of me had mentally needed to "check out" over the last 3 years, just to be able to function. Now that life wasn't a constant emergency, that part of me decided it was time to check back in. So I've been working the past couple months on processing that 3 years of serious challenges, in hopes that it can now be put behind me.
And here enters the blog.
On the blog is really a place for reflection and therapy for me. It is here that I can put my feelings to words and just WRITE. Even through the hard things, I want to be authentic and accurate. It's taking the time to be still, to give names to the feelings in my soul, to come to terms with difficulties, and to share my gratitude for the miracles in my life. I never want to let my feelings or memories about this time fade. It's real and it's precious. But it is an emotional work out! It's HARD. I have to reflect and consider my circumstances and really process things. But that's okay. It's even good! It's good to work through these things. It will help me be a healthier me, and hopefully I can unload some of the emotional baggage here on these pages in order to have a clearer head going forward. By blogging, it's one of the ways that I can leave my burdens at the feet of my Savior, so I can be less preoccupied with the sorrows and instead be more present in life for the things that really matter.
So here's to a revamped resolution of blogging; of taking time to share the truth that there is encouragement and hope even in the darkest hours. Here's to a resolution of being diligent and disciplined with this blog so I can be a mentally healthier me, and a happier and more whole wife, mom, family member and friend. I want this to be a tool to speak light and to help me more clearly recognize the hand of God in my life, and his love for me. I never want to forget from where "every good gift" comes (James 1:17).
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