And He That Formed Thee From The Womb

Today I recovered a thought that I had written back in September of LAST YEAR (see below). As I reflect back on how I was feeling 14 months ago, I am just filled with so much gratefulness (perfect for Thanksgiving time, right? GRATITUDE.). I'm not going to lie. It has been a REALLY challenging year. Actually, it's been a REALLY challenging 3 years! (Three years ago this Thanksgiving, my beautiful mother was in the hospital for strange and severe stomach pains. Then, three years ago next month, after a few weeks of evaluation, she was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer. She battled her cancer like a warrior, but her body had different plans. Two years ago this coming January, we had to say goodbye to her. Six months after my mom passed away, we were so thrilled to find out that we were pregnant with an incredible gift from God! What a happy blessing it was during a very sad and heavy time. We experienced a crushing blip in our joy when we found out that our perfect, amazing little boy was diagnosed with a severe heart defect when 20 weeks pregnant with him. It seemed like a precipice too high to climb, but because of what I had experienced with my mom, I KNEW I could get through hard things. THEN, a year ago, we experienced the best Christmas miracle of all! Four days after Christmas, in 2017, we welcomed our amazing Heart Warrior into the world, and our lives changed forever. Since that day, he's been showing the world what he's got, and has been conquering everything that's been thrown at him!)

AS you can imagine, 14 months ago I was feeling like I had been sucker-punched in the stomach too many times. I missed my mom! I was scared for my baby! There were so many MAJOR emotional ups and downs, and many of those feelings haven't gone away. Despite that, though, I recognized that I always had a choice: I've always been able to choose how I could react to the situation and to my feelings. I could chose whether I would allow the REALLY HARD situations destroy me, or I would allow them to make me stronger. Ultimately, I chose to let things make me stronger. I clung faith, hope, and the idea that I could be joyful. I chose to make the best of things, and to appreciate what I DO have! These concepts are still something I need to wake up and choose every single day. But the attitude I chose has helped me to not just survive and "get through" the last 3 years...It has helped me make my experience a beautiful one.

So here is a flashback from my 30-year-old self from last year, recording thoughts of hope, and choosing faith instead of fear.


SEPTEMBER 13, 2017:

Sometimes, when I think about this baby, or any child that is born with inherent physical or mental restrictions, I often wonder, "Why did this happen to this innocent little child?" I think a lot of people have thought that before as well. If God is the creator of all, why would He choose to let this child come into life with so many difficulties right from the start? Where is the benevolent compassion?

After I shared the news of the baby's heart condition with extended family, I received so much love, encouragement, and support from many of them. A particularly wonderful message came from one of my wise and kind cousins-in-law. She said:

"Just thinking about you today when I read Isaiah 44:24, 

'Thus saith the Lord, thy redeemer, and he that formed thee from the womb...' 

I've always thought that God did the initial creation, but that the rest of us just are the product of our parents DNA and any abnormality is just an effect of the fall. But this scripture taught me different. To me, it means that God is in the creation, is directing the creation of every human body. It is his power that allows us to have the body that is right for us. I really believe that and it gives me comfort..."

Back to life in November 2018, this scripture still gives me strength. I know that there is an Author to our lives, to our stories and journeys. I have learned this truth OVER and OVER during this last year, especially. That author is a loving Heavenly Father. His is our director. His plan is perfect...even when we can't see how. Every experience that we have can be an opportunity for joy. I know that He loves us. He loves us SO MUCH, that he sends us the most perfect babies, perfectly formed to how they should be, and he sends them to the perfect family that will be able to love and take care of them. I AM SO GRATEFUL TO GOD EVERY DAY I LIVE! I am grateful for this time of year, and to remember the very hard things I've experienced during the holiday seasons. I am grateful that I also to have developed the perspective to see how those hard times have made me grow. It has made me savor each moment, and learn that every second, every breath, every heart beat is a blessing from a miraculous God who has a perfect plan for each of us.